My carphone's on the pill, and my girfriend's got call waiting
Satan's in the bagels and my toaster's masturbating
My computer has hard drive, and my disk is always floppy
My Xerox has the runs and it won't stop shitting copies
Help me

My paper wants some coffee and my mother needs recycling
My fax is getting acne and it needs some tetracyclene
My dog is late for school and my son pissed on the floor
The percolator's drooling and the baby's at the store
Would you help me please?

The TV's watching me and my control is in remote
Grandpa's sucking carpet and the vacuum stole my coat
And the birds are smoking cocaine and my son lives in a nest
My daughter just got neutered, and my cat just got fake breasts
Now help me please

Yeah TV rules the house now, Mr. Cartwright is the boss
Ginger's kissing MaryAnn and I'm in love with Hoss
Thurston Howell III is lusting after Mary Tyler
More is always less that Mr. Douglas is a styler
Green Acres is the place to be, that Eb is such a dork
He hit Arnold the pig and so tonight we're eating pork
Help me

My coffee lost its dentures and my father needs reheating
My wife is always empty and the fridge is always eating
The dust pan's playng marbles and the kids are in the sink
And the heater won't quit farting and my mental health it stinks
Now help me please

My car went to the movies, and I'm locked in my garage
My bathroom went to art school, now I piss in a collage
And the blender stole my credit cards, and bought some fancy duds
Everyone has patriots, but all I have are scuds
Help me please

My carphone's on the pill, and my girfriend's got call waiting
Satan's in the bagels and my toaster's masturbating
Help me please